


Reminders Of Your Existence

by BarnesnMrNoble



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-11-23 21:51:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18157484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarnesnMrNoble/pseuds/BarnesnMrNoble
Summary: With the snap of the fingers, Steve’s world is taken away, his hope ripped from him and all that is left is reminders of your existence.





	Reminders Of Your Existence

**Author's Note:**

> This is straight angst, I can even sell a little fluff with it. The idea popped into my head after watching the most recent Endgame trailer. There may be a second part, just kind of depends on if I can get it written. I hope you all enjoy! If you do, leave a like and a reblog or comment! I’d love to hear what you think and honestly I’m human and I need the validation.

Steve Rogers was not a stranger to pain and loss. His mantle of Captain America had seen him losing more than he could’ve ever imagined, his friends and family, his teammates. No, Steve was intimately acquainted with loss. And with that came unimaginable pain.

Though no loss he’d faced before would ever prepare him for what chaos was ensuing around him.

The air around him was hot and humid, such the Wakanda climate but it didn’t hold the same meaning. The heat of the air sent rivulets of steaming sweat down his forehead, slicking pieces of his newly long and unruly hair to his skin. The drops that made their past the stray strands of hair fell smoothly across his skin, a glistening trail left in its wake to drop off his chin and soak into the dark fabric stretching across his body.

Around him, the world was silent, so much so Steve was sure he’d be able to hear the pin drop back in New York. But in his mind, it was anything but silent. The fast thumping of his heart, the beating of the blood the flowed through his brain sounded different in his head. It was the fast thumping of the locomotive barreling across the tracks, the sting of the snow that hit his face as they made their way to the front of the train. It was the sickening sounds of Bucky’s screams echoing between the mountains. It was the fading sounds of the train on the tracks as Steve stopped living and just functioned.

It was the soft pitter and patter of your dripping blood on the concrete, heard above the loud grunting and the sounds of strong fists connecting with weak jaws because of his keen awareness to you and his need to protect you. The warmth that surrounded him in the humid air was that of the warm blood that slipped through his fingers as he tried to slow your bleeding. It was the warmth of your breath against his neck and huffed out large breaths to grab the oxygen from the air. It was the feeling of your cold lifeless hand regaining its warmth -- warmth he so desperately craved -- as you woke. It was the feeling of your embrace, your arms wrapped tightly around his waist, supporting him, carrying the weight when he no longer could. It was the feeling of your warm lips brushing against his forehead as his tears dried and his mind slipped into quiet sleep.

It was the loud, deafening crashing of metal debris as it clipped what was left before falling so far into the water below them. It was the repeated banging of the metal fist against his face, the repeated stabbing of the steel knife to his heart with each brainwashed word. _You’re. My. Mission._ It was spider web crack beneath his back giving out and his freefall into the unknown. Or really the water below where the sounds of debris smacked against it to its end. It was the pound against his back and head as he slammed into the cold water, the ever persisting pound against his ears as he sank lower and lower until he couldn’t feel it anymore. It was the jerking pull from a strong arm and the sudden reintroduction to oxygen.

It was the moment that would change everything.

He could still hear it, repeated over and over, like a mixtape of his worst nightmare. He never imagined the pain and suffering just a small action could bring. A single snap of the fingers to bring on the end of it all. And despite his worst nightmares, his failures playing on a loop in his mind Steve still managed to continue doing what he did best, fighting. Because after all, he could do this all day. Right?

Steve felt the rumble of his voice thrum through his chest, the movement his lips made to utter out the words of confusion. Though he never did hear what he said or if anybody answered, the deafening sounds still punching at his ears. It was almost as if his brain refused to let him hear, determined to keep him in the dark and unable to find the light telling him what was going on.

But then he did find the light, he did find his hearing. It hit him harder than a ton of bricks, the metaphorical weight of the absence of sound forced him to take a stumbling step backwards. His hand gripped at his side where he still felt the stinging pain of where he’d taken a hit at some point during the never ending fight.

“Steve.”

No. Steve’s head whipped around to Bucky. His voice was a quiet whisper barely reaching Steve but in the wake of the hot and humid air, the tension that pressed against him like he was being buried it sounded like a scream. He was scared, confused. He stared at his arm, they both did. Watching it crumble away like someone letting the sand in their hands fall through the space between their fingers. It crawled up to his shoulder and begun again at his feet.

Steve was sure this time, his heart really did stop beating. There was no ripping out of his heart, tearing it in half and stomping on it. This pain hit him so much harder. He tried to move to Bucky, the fading of his body getting worse. He tried to force his feet to move but they were heavy, stuck sinking into the invisible quicksand beneath him, pulling him down harder with each attempt he made to move.

And then he was gone.

Steve felt a tightness in his chest unlike any pain he’d ever felt before. The pounding started again but never strayed from his head. Failure and terror course through his body with a fire that singed his nerves until he felt numb and broken. His body disappeared right into the air right in front of Steve, leaving behind only the ash and dust of his best friend. He finally made his cement heavy feet over to where what was left of him lay. His hand shook with the ferocity of his loss, reaching out to touch the spot. And no matter how he tried, his mind was severely unable to wrap its mind around what he’d just seen.

He watched in terror as those around him started to fade away into nothing. Solemn final words piercing the air with strange volume as they too left the world with nothing but a pile of ash and dust to attest to their existence. The emptiness in his stomach filled with bile with the dawning realization that he couldn’t see you. It took everything in him to push down the rising bile, to rise back to his feet and make them move again.

He called out to you and garnered no response, sending him into a spiral. His knees felt weak and wobbled with each step, his fear of losing you on top of everything else. He prayed and mumbled under his breath for the world to spare you, to leave you on this earth. It was clear as day in his voice hoe truly terrified he was and how hard he was working to keep pushing to find you, to not just give up and hope the world took him too.

Steve frantically searched for you, ripping away the branches of trees that stood in his path, practically ripping apart bushes that may have hid you. But there was nothing. No body, no pile of ashes to tell him you were gone, no nothing. He fell to his knees uncaring of the pain when he knee landed on a branch sending a piece of it slicing through his skin. He knew it was selfish to give up, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do this all day. He just wished that now the world would give in and finally take him away. He wasn’t supposed to be alive not after everything and maybe now the world was trying to tell him his time was up.

Steve let his head drop to the muddy Wakandan forest floor and waited. He waited for the man in the long black robes to appear by his side to tell him to follow him. He waited for the moment where he would look back to his own body fading away into the air and to let peace finally overcome him. But it never did. He sobbed into the ground, his tears splashing into the small puddle beneath him and pounded his fist against the ground beside his head. Because maybe if the world was too cruel to take him now, he’d just have to do the job himself.

It was the pit in Steve’s stomach that stopped the train of thought. A feeling that pulled him off the ground and a whimper that sounded above everything other sound. Afterall, he’d always had a keen awareness to you, a overpowering need to protect you no matter how capable you were to handle yourself. He lifted his head like the dead weight it was to find you. He didn’t question for a moment that it was you because he knew how hard you’d fight. He couldn’t again push himself to his feet, the fight in him so little now and settled for crawling to you.

Once he pushed back a bush that he’d not yet destroyed in his rage against the world he could see you. He couldn’t even begin to describe the feeling of relief he had at seeing you there. It gave him renewed strength to get to you, to fight and keep you safe because maybe if he could do that, he could find retribution for his failures. Maybe it would be enough to show him he had it in him.

He could see you, though beaten and bruised, were alive. You weren’t a faded pile of ash that he had to mourn along with his best friend, with his teammates. You laid on your back wincing at any small movement you made in clear pain by your injuries. You kept your hand pressed to your stomach, your hands died sickly red with your blood. Steve could see the gashes you held your hands to, three deep cuts from the claws of those ugly things they'd been fighting earlier.

He reached for your outstretched hand, gripping onto it as if it was the only thing holding him back from insanity. As if it was the only thing telling him that you were real. He settled behind your head, pulling into his lap despite your groans of agony. He replaced your hand with his own pressing down on the still bleeding gashes his other hand resting against your cheek. It smeared mud against your skin showing the movements Steve made with his thumb along the bone. You’d be okay, you’d recover and he could live with that. He wouldn’t have lost everyone, he would have a grip on sanity if he had you.

Life wasn’t so sweet.

Life wasn’t going to give you even the semi-happy ending. She was cruel and wanted to see the misery permanently settle into your eyes. Life wanted to see the final hurrah of Steve’s lifeless heart as he lost it all.

You felt it first, the numbing tingle at your feet as they disappeared into the air. And you looked to Steve with tears brimming your eyes as you both recognized the final moments. He looked more lifeless than you felt, his face without color, his eyes filled with rage, utter helplessness, and tears. He dropped his forehead to yours telling you to keep fighting, to stay because he couldn’t do this without you. He couldn’t do this at all.

And you tried with everything in you to stop the inevitable, you held on with every last fibre of your being, until the nerves went numb and you no longer had control of what happened to you. He held his grip on your with gentle hands, whispering and praying for you to hold on. He didn’t stop until your soft hand grazed against his and gripped it with the little strength you had left running through your veins. You met his gaze and saw his hurt. It hurt more than the pain from the injuries you had, it hurt more than anything you’d ever experienced. You knew he could see it in your eyes, you had accepted this fate. You understood it was the only way, you couldn’t hold this off forever.

He pulled you closer to his body as it began the slow climb to nothing. He screamed out his denial, he couldn’t, he wouldn’t accept this. His face buried into your neck, his hot tears dripping to your skin as he sobbed.

It was what he uttered in his last moments with you that you knew would stick with you forever, no matter where you ended up. Heaven or Hell, Steve’s last words would be tattooed on your heart.

“I love you so much, okay? I will get you back.”

You squeezed his hand as the final pieces of you faded away into the air. The handful of ash Steve had caught in his hand was the only reminder of your existence.


End file.
